


First and Last

by sidewinder



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-09 23:50:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7822045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidewinder/pseuds/sidewinder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time, and the last time, that Brian and John spent the night together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First and Last

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GreenPhoenix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenPhoenix/gifts).



The first time John took Brian home, he knew it was a mistake. Probably a really terrible one. But the kid was drunk out of his skull thanks to drowning his sorrows over Olivia, and John was vaguely pissed at him about that.

He wasn't really sure why he was pissed off. Every guy at the 16th surely had some kind of crush on Benson. Half of the women in the precinct did, too. Brian was just the lucky guy who had happened to score with her, even if only for one night.

Still, John was kind of pissed.

Maybe, if he thought about it more deeply, it was because he had a bit of a crush on Brian, too.

But he wasn't so pissed that he didn't feel it his responsibility take Brian home after he found the man drinking himself to stupidity at the squad's regular bar that night. He was wobbly and aiming for a fight he'd be sure to lose, and as such it was John's responsibility as a good partner (and a former bar owner who’d dealt with many such situations) to keep him out of trouble. John nearly carried the protesting, angry man outside to put him in a cab. He then decided he should go with Brian, stay with him to make sure he didn't do something even more stupid like drunk-dial Olivia in the middle of the night, begging her to take him back. Or worse, tell the driver to take him to Olivia’s and try to beg her for another chance.

"It's no good, Brian. You've got to let it go."

"But why doesn't she want to see me again?" Brain sniffled, his head lolling against John's shoulder as the taxi swerved through traffic and bounced over pot-holes.

"I don't know, Brian, maybe it's because you're such a whiny, sloppy drunk." 'Liv held her liquor better than most of the men in the squad. John had admired that about her for some time. She made him think of Kay back in Baltimore, every now and then, although they looked nothing alike. It was more in her no-nonsense attitude, the way she held onto her femininity while still hanging tough with the men of the squad, not ever wanting to be treated differently on the job.

Brian sometimes reminded John of Kellerman, in that sweet and occasionally gullible way he had about him—like stupidly thinking a one-night stand could be the beginning of a lasting love affair.Olivia simply wasn't the kind of woman to let that happen, especially not with someone she had to work with every day.

John knew that was a good rule to follow, to avoid developing deep feelings for a coworker or to ever get romantically involved with one. Of course, John wasn't always so good at following that rule himself.

He succeeded in getting Brian up the stairs to his apartment and fished the keys out of his pocket, although that was no small effort. Brian giggled as John fumbled awkwardly to find them and John tried not to think about the warmth of Brian's breath tickling his neck, or how the kid smelled like fucking drug store cologne, the cheap shit guys wore in high school when they thought they were being cool.

He shouldn't have found it so much of a damned turn-on himself.

He led Brian inside and toward what appeared to be the bedroom. "Come on, Brian, you need to sleep it off. You're not going to be sick, are you?"

"No, don't think...ungh." He collapsed onto the bed, pulling John part of the way down with him as he went. He looked up at John with those sweet if now unfocused, light brown eyes and John bit his lip to keep from doing what he really wanted to do at that moment, which was to lean down and kiss Brian hard and until the last thing on his mind was a certain dark-haired female detective.

_He’s too vulnerable, and you’ve got more self-control than that, John Munch._

Didn’t he?

"You need some water. Aspirin," John said, switching quickly into his best Jewish mother mode. "Let me get you—"

He started to pull away as he talked but Brain grabbed his arm and stopped him. “No, John. I need..." Brian began, then stopped, his thoughts transparent even if he couldn't speak the words. His body shifted suggestively on the bed, hips moving in a way to indicate a straining, aching need for touch, contact, relief.

 _Don't_ , John warned himself, swallowing hard. Oh he wanted to, wanted to give Brian what he could see he needed so badly. Give him some things Brian didn't even know he needed while he was at it. But he knew it would be an awful idea right now. Just because the kid was curious—something John had picked up on numerous times over these months—didn't mean this was at all the time for it. Now was exactly the _wrong_ time, if he was simply being clingy and heart-broken and too drunk to know otherwise. "You need to rest, Brian."

"No, I _need_..." He gave John that look again, then moistened his parted lips with his tongue in a subtle gesture that sent a jolt of urgency straight to John’s groin.

"You have to tell me," John insisted, hearing his own voice faltering. He would, dammit, but only if the kid had the guts and understanding to ask him. “Say it, Brian.”

"I need _you_ , John. Please…I don’t…don’t want to be alone tonight. You understand, don’t you?”

He did, all too well.

A mistake. A truly appalling one. But John was weak when it came to matters of the heart and weaker sometimes in matters of the flesh. Brian reached up, not for John's face but the fabric of his tie, fondling it lightly, tugging as if to pull John closer. With that the last shreds of John’s common sense and resistance were shattered. He let Brian urge him down and met his lips for a sloppy, drunk kiss that still somehow managed to be sweet and arousing and John only wanted more of where that had come from.

They didn't so much as make love as tumble and rush to climax, all wet kisses and hands fumbling through clothes to seek contact and necessary stimulation. John promised Brian it would be better next time—"when you're not three sheets to the wind". When John could really take his time and begin to show the kid all the fun things they could get up to, together. But Brian was already half asleep and John wasn't sure there would _be_ a next time, once the kid sobered up and realized what they had done.

Either way, he would enjoy simply staying here for the night with Brain in his arms, even if Brian was drooling on the shoulder of John's favorite shirt.

 

* * *

 

The last time John took Brian home, it was also because of Olivia. But that final night didn't feel like so much of a mistake at all, more something somehow necessary and healing for the both of them.

Fourteen years had passed. After trying all over again, Brian and Olivia had split up once more. Despite their best efforts over the course of more than a year—a very difficult year for both of them—it had simply fizzled out, little more successfully than it had gone the first time around.

Brian told John the news over dinner, not too many nights after the end of the affair. Just as Olivia and Brian had restarted their romance after Brian was pulled out of UC work, so had Brian and John rekindled their friendship—albeit sans those occasional nights of drunken and not-so-drunken fondling, kissing, and other sexual escapades that had followed that first  evening years ago.

"Just so you know...because I'm guessing she hasn't said anything at work...'Liv and I split up."

"I'm sorry, Brian," John said, and he genuinely was. He still wanted to believe that some of them could manage to find love while working this damned job. "I thought you two had a good thing going."

"So did I, but..." Brian shrugged, took a sip of his beer. "The things that Olivia wants and needs right now aren't the things I can give her. Not now...maybe not ever. She's talking about needing stability, starting a family...I love her but I'm not that kind of guy, you know? I'm still here to enjoy today, not worry so much about tomorrow."

"Well, you're wiser than me to figure that out now instead of once you've already walked down the aisle. Four times."

Brian smiled. "You got anyone special these days, Johnny?"

John grimaced. "Nothing that's gone anywhere serious. I though getting out of SVU, retiring from that kind of work, would make it easier. But I'm still trying to figure out what to really do with myself. Doesn't seem fair to look for someone else until I've got myself sorted out first."

"I hear that. Still, you're a good guy. You've always been there for me. There's lots of women who'd be lucky to end up with someone like you. More than a few guys, too. Unless...that was just me."

"It wasn't," John admitted, hoping that didn't disappoint Brian too much. "But for a little while there, you certainly made _me_ feel like the lucky one."

For a moment, there was that shy smile and blush on Brian's cheeks that made him suddenly look like a fresh-faced rookie detective all over again. It made John feel younger, too, and when Brian asked if they should order another round before calling it a night—or maybe just go back to his place for that nightcap—John was quite willing to say yes.

But neither man was drunk that night when they ended up at Brian's apartment. For old times, he suggested. For a chance to, if not relive the past, then to at least share one night of familiar and friendly comfort, affection.

Brian had learned a lot in those years, that was for certain. Now there was confidence and assurance in Brian's touch and his kisses, in the way he yielded to John's desires and eagerly pleased him. It was almost enough to make John think that it would be nice to see where this could lead, after tonight, but he knew their chances for success were even more slim than Brian's had been with Olivia.

Because John was at that point in his life where he needed to find stability, too. If it wasn't now, it would never happen. And Brian, as sweet as he was, couldn't be that for him.

But still, it was nice to pretend for one night.

"I needed that," Brian said much later in the evening, as John stretched and luxuriated in the afterglow.

"Me too."

"You've always been a good friend to me, Johnny. Maybe someday we'll both figure out where we really need to be."

"I hope so." And he did. But for this night it was fine simply being right here.


End file.
